Jokes

Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for seven days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him. He inquired of God, "Where were you?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds; "Look son, look what I'm after making."  Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" God replied, "It's another planet but I'm after putting LIFE on it. I've named it earth and there's going to be a balance between everything on it. For example, there's North America and South America. North America is going to be rich and South America is going to be poor, and the narrow bit joining them - that's going to be a hot spot. Now look over here. I've put a continent of whites in the north and another one with blacks in the south." And then the archangel said, "And what's that green dot there?" And God said "Ahhh, that's Parkhead . Also known as Paradise - That is a very special place. That's going to be the most glorious spot on earth, beautiful stands, a perfect pitch, an aura of holiness, breathtaking atmosphere, and an exquisite team to grace it. These people here are going to be of great intelligence and they're going to be found exploring the seven seas. They'll be playwrights and poets and singers and songwriters. And I'm going to give them great teams who can play quality football, which they're going to worship and for which people will come from the far corners of the earth to watch. I will give them the blessed, I will give them Jock Stein , Jinky Johnstone , Tommy Burns , Paul McStay , Wim Jansen ? and James McGrory and these men amongst men will lift this club to unlimited glories, and they shall be touched by my hand." Michael the Archangel gasped in wonder and admiration but then seeming startled, he proclaimed: "Hold on a second, balance , what about balance ? You said there was going to be a balance ..."  God replied wisely: "Wait until you see the plonkers I'm putting next door to them."

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Three football fans were driving along when they spied a body in the undergrowth. Stopping their car, the three guys ran over to see what they could do. Unfortunately, they found the nude body of a young woman. Being gentlemen, the first guy dropped his Partick Thistle hat over one breast. The second guy, a Celtic fan, placed his hat over the other breast. The Rangers fan placed his hat over the woman's very private part. Soon the police arrived. The coroner started checking over the body. He picked up the Partick Thistle hat and quickly placed it back. He then picked up the Celtic hat and returned it. Then he picked up the Rangers hat, put it down, then picked it up again again inspecting the hat more closely, and then put it down. Then he picked it up a third time. By this time, the Rangers fan was a bit irritated and he asked,"Why do you keep picking up my hat? Are you some kind of pervert or something?" The coroner responded with a wry smile,"Son, I can't figure this one out. The only time I've come across these Rangers hats before, there was an arsehole under it

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Q: How many Huns does it take to tile a roof? 
A: It depends on how thinly you slice them.

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Q: How many Rangers fans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It doesn't matter, they're all condemned to eternal darkness anyway.

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After yet another gubbing at the hands of Celtic the ' Gers scouts are ordered to scour the country for a new defender to plug up their leaky defence. At last, a good prospect was identified. He was asked to come to Ibrox for a trial and did well enough to impress the management. The youth was a lifelong ' Gers fan and was overjoyed at the thought of joining the Club.
The only remaining obstacle was the medical examination. The club doctor put the lad through all the tests and could find nothing to fault the boy as he was in peak physical condition. It was only during a closer physical examination that the doctor detected that the youth was circumcised.
"I'm sorry, son," he told the boy, "But I'm afraid I can't recommend the manager to take you on."
The lad was dumbfounded.
"How naw'?" he cried.
"Well," said the doctor, "Everybody knows you've got to be a complete dick to play for Rangers ."

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Rumour has it that Rangers have a new team sponsor:- Tampax .
The board thought it was an appropriate change as the club is going through a very bad period.

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Two men are fishing on a river bank in a remote area of the Clyde on a Saturday afternoon miles away from a radio or TV. Suddenly one man turns to the other and says " Rangers have lost again."
The other man was astonished and said "How on earth do you know that?"
The other man replied "It's quarter to five."

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Billy the Hun was walking his dog one day, when he spots an old lamp. He bends down to pick it up, and starts to rub it to clean it.
Suddenly, a genie appears and says "I am the cut price genie. I grant but one wish"
Billy thinks for a while and then says "Make my dog, ' Advocaat '  win Crufts"
The genie looks at Advocaat and says "Don't be stupid, look at the thing. It's mangy and bald, its got fleas, its got a bit missing from one ear, it limps and it smells. I might be a genie, but I'm not a ------- miracle worker"
"Alright then", says Billy " Make Rangers win the League this year"
The genie stops for a moment, then says "Lets have another look at that dog again?"

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On a tour of Scotland, the Pope took a couple of days off his itinerary to visit the north coast near aberdeen on an impromptu sightseeing trip.
His 4X4 Popemobile was driving along the golden sands when there was an enormous commotion heard just off the headland. They rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene the Pope noticed just outside the surf, a hapless man wearing a Rangers football shirt, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a twenty-foot shark.
At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing Celtic shirts roared into view from around the point. Spontaneously, one of the men took aim and fired a harpoon into the shark's ribs, immobilising it instantly.
The other two reached out and pulled the scum hun from the water and then, using long clubs, beat the shark to death.
They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious man into the speedboat along with the dead shark and then prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic shouting from the shore. It was of course the Pope, and he summoned them to
the beach.
Upon them reaching the shore the Pope went into raptures about the rescue and said, "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I had heard that there were some hooligan elements and secterianism,bigotry and evil people trying to divide
the glorious Celtic and Rangers , but, now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true.
I can see that your society is a truly enlightened example of cultural harmony and could serve as a model on which other peoples could follow."
He blessed them all and drove off in a cloud of dust.
As he departed, the harpoonist asked the others, "Who was that???!" "That," one answered, "was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom."
"Well," the harpoonist replied, "he knows f*ck all about shark hunting. How's that bait holding up or do we need to get another one?".

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